The Battle over Pumpkin Spice -- UPDATED

At the well-read and always-interesting Lawyers, Guns & Money blog, there is a serious controversy over the seasonally ubiquitous pumpkin spice phenomenon.   One LGM blogger despises "creeping pumpkin spiceism," while another calls that attitude "stupid and illogical."  

My own view is mostly anti-pumpkin spice.  It is fine in pies and muffins, of course, and I can tolerate it in a latte (which I don't drink anyhow).  But it simply does not belong anywhere else -- and especially not in bagels.  I first articulated that position in this 1998 column in the Chicago Tribune:

As a child I understood very well that bagels set me apart from other kids in the neighborhood. Oh, we all played the same games and went to the same schools, but their grandparents spoke English, they went to church on Sunday, and they didn't eat bagels. We, on the other hand, ate the things all the time: as snacks, as sandwiches, as breakfast. My mother made them herself--rolling, boiling, brushing and then baking the little rings to precisely the right resilience. They came in exactly two varieties--plain and rye. The rye ones were my mother's innovation, which she considered avant garde. They were small, dense, unadorned, and ours.

These days you can find bagel stores on almost everywhere. In fact, right down the block from my house you can find bagel shops three corners, selling bagels of every conceivable stripe and description. None of the places even faintly resembles a deli, but nonetheless, each has its own personality, in large part derived from the character of its workforce--though judging from appearances, most of them probably think that He-brew is an especially masculine cup of coffee. There are the prim, pleasant, middle-aged women who proudly serve Dutch apple bagels on one corner. Or you can visit the energetic teenagers who dole out chocolate chip bagels next door. If you're in the mood for some herb, you can score a few oregano-parmesan bagels from the hippies across the street.

I've long since made my peace with the inauthentic bagel outlets, and have even come to appreciate the modest virtues of shopping in a corporate-owned "bagel cafe." If nothing else, I've learned the importance of clear articulation, since terms I take for granted are too easily confused by novice bagel clerks. For example, one day I rushed into my favorite local joint and ordered "two pumpernickel." Easy enough, I thought as they shoved my bagels into a cute bakery bag. True, the bagels looked almost orange, lacking the rich, dark hue of true pumpernickel. But what did I expect from a bagel chain? And then there was that unexpected spicy smell. It was pleasant and strangely familiar, but not at all bagel-like. I dismissed it as having rubbed off, so to speak, from an adjacent bin.

It was only when I bit into the first one that I realized I was munching on, so help me, a pumpkin bagel. Pumpkin, pumpernickel--I guess it's a natural mistake.

I'm not really complaining. In America, no ethnic group can ever expect to maintain a monopoly on its cuisine. I'm sure that native Italians wince at some of the things that Americans dump on pizza, and I know Chinese restaurants here serve dishes that would be unrecognizable from Guangzhau to Beijing. Nobody even thinks to associate wieners with Vienna--and it's a good thing, too, since the Viennese would never tolerate ketchup and pickle relish.

But if the mainstreaming of bagels is not entirely an occasion for bitter lamentation, it still has to evoke at least a twinge of regret, as one more bit of ethnic flair is deracinated, homogenized and prepackaged for mass consumption.

Interestingly, it appears there is a crisis in the bagel industry. Stock prices have plunged by as much as 80 percent and one national chain has entered bankruptcy. Profits are falling and outlets are closing.

If you ask me, their problems all stem from hubris. I've got nothing against making big bucks on bagels, but there has to be a sense of proportion. They should never have started calling it the bagel "industry." Bagels should be sold in "a nice little business" where you can "make a comfortable living." And you shouldn't have national chains. Maybe a few "convenient locations" or even a "branch" or two, but that's it. Go any further and you're asking for trouble.

The bagel industry can probably recover from its spate of overexpansion, but somewhere along the line it is going to pay for fiddling with tradition. Bagel-meddlers can load almost anything into a bagel and still have it taste good, but they ought to give credit where credit is due. Bake what you must, but let's put an end to the precious preening. Stop touting "old-fashioned" blueberry and "classic" cranberry-orange!

It's not the flavors I object to, it's the adjectives. Bagels weren't invented by a bunch of MBAs, and there's never going to be anything traditional about filling them with fruit. So if they have to overstuff somebody's heritage, all I can say is let `em eat crepes.

Finally, in the spirit of the true bagel, L'Shana Tova to everyone.

UPDATE:  Panera is evidently selling a cherry-vanilla Pink Ribbon Bagel, which is marketed as an "annual treat" that supports the National Breast Cancer Foundation. 

Good cause; bad idea.

Comments

[Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance King]

I would not go so far to say that cultural appropriation of bagels is a negative. Its actually a positive The best bagels I have ever enjoyed were at a strip mall store front in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The owner was not Jewish but either Arab/Middle East dissent. Possibly Pakistani? Regardless, they were not dressed in Western garb. Kind of shows we are all interconnected. Maybe Trump can have a bagel and cream cheese there....

[Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance King]

I am not sure if I would eat a breast cancer bagel ribbon either. Bad karma... On the other hand, most folks in this country earn their livings by "selling" something. Even high tech is ultimately selling a tangible object. That's most of our commerce and industry--our GDP. We know how to market the crap out of everything. That's not such a terrible thing, however. I read that European museums are looking toward us for economic inspiration and growth...aka bulking up gift shops. We even sell "tragedy." I own a neck tie with the World Trade Centers. Most vacations and tourist activities are a hike between gift shops... America is one giant mall. Maybe this breast cancer bagel has gone too far?

[Matthew Reid Krell]

I had one of those pink ribbon bagels yesterday for lack of other options. Was tasty. Not going to claim it was authentic, but it was tasty.

[Captain Hruska Carswell, Continuance King]

Professor Krell,

You didn't happen to calculate the Weight Watchers Smart points for that? Bad karma aside, maybe I will try it. I am only allowed 33 Smart points a day.