Survey Says

The results are in on my recent Faculty Lounge poll as to which woman should be the new face of the US$10 bill!  First things first:  61 voters cast their vote in this Condorcet poll, ranking seven candidates—Caitlyn Jenner, Rachel Dolezal, Benazir Bhutto, Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the), Whitney, Britney, and Wendy Snowden—from first to last.  This was a rather impressive voter turnout, especially given the attempts at voter suppression by those upset that their notion of feminine respectability was not represented by these exemplary candidates.  Haters gonna hate!  Trolls gonna troll!  Yet, voters will vote.

Throughout the week-long polling, there were tough and brutal competitions, at every level of the race, and up until the very end.  Indeed, the very final vote erased a tie for #1, denying me a RuPaul Lip-Sync-For-Your-Life moment.   Alas, I will be forced to wish my personal favorite a Sashay Away—repeating something I already had to painfully do almost 8 years ago.  But more on that below the fold.  First, the biggest losers.

#7  Rachel Dolezal

Many of you will unsurprised at this result.  Despite a New York Times endorsement, and a vicious tussle with #6 and #5, during which it seemed like any of these three could have ended up in last place, Rachel Dolezal ultimately sank to the bottom.  America really hates this woman.  Even more than the decision in Dred Scott.

#6  Britney 

I’m honestly not clear how she outranked Rachel Dolezal, especially after this latest attempt at a comeback, but that’s democracy for you.  And/or white privilege.

#5  Caitlyn Jenner

In exit polls, a number of people reported to me that Ms. Jenner was their last-place choice.  A common reported sentiment about her candidacy was “So over it!”  And indeed, for a long while, she ranked dead-last, right behind Ms. Dolezal.  In all truthiness, at this point in history, I think #5 is the highest we could realistically hope someone like Ms. Jenner to poll.  We can hope that things will get better, but they probably only will if Anthony Kennedy has had a transgendered friend growing up.

#4  Wendy Snowden

Wendy!  Mother of Mercy!  A very respectable showing here and, in fact, the top-ranked living woman.  She deserves to be on the $.10 coin, at least.  And in that pink jacket.

#3  Whitney

Not my personal first choice, but deserving of the top honor to be sure.  No institution less than The Los Angeles Times—heartily seconded by Oprah—declared her voice a “national treasure,” and if this performance doesn’t convince you of her worthiness, then you are just an originalist.  On that note, crack may be whack, but so would be putting anyone pre-20^th century on the new $10 bill.  Whitney!!!

#2  Benazir Bhutto

If Whitney’s tragic marriage endeared me to her personal struggle and fortitude, x100 for Benazir. (On that note, fans of the stage:  my sources tell me that not only is an opera about Benazir’s life being composed, but so is an off-Broadway play.)  While Benazir was my first-place choice, she is apparently beloved by the American populace as well.  Yet, one wonders if everyone’s motivations were the same here.  Would putting Benazir on the tenner be a recognition of her ground-breaking political achievements?  Her sex appeal?  An apology for the fact that our man-in-Islamabad, Pervez Musharraf, killed her? 

#1  Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the)

Honestly speaking, I never saw this result coming.  And the exit polls don’t really help us clarify the significance of this choice.  One voter, for example, just explained their vote here as “Because it was the most interesting option.”  And yet another voter simply replied “LOL.”  If I were to hazard a guess, this choice allowed many people to engage in a fantasy world of necropolitical self-aggrandizement.  In other words, who actually knows who is in that tomb?   Or whether they are actually a woman?  Indeed, who is to say that John Smith’s father, Adam Smith, is not actually in that tomb and on that $10 bill?  Or that Cindy is not actually Jewish?  Or that Rachel Dolezal’s ‘parents’ are stranger-danger weirdos who got their names on her birth certificate?  I certainly can(not).  In sum, this choice is where American conspiracy theorizing, American exceptionalism, and some good ’ole capitalism can sororitize in the graveyard.  Evidently.

Here’s the full results (minus some isolated write-in votes):

1. Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the)  (Condorcet winner: wins contests with all other choices)

2. Benazir Bhutto  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 25–24

3. Whitney  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 29–25, loses to Benazir Bhutto by 27–23

4. Wendy Snowden  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 32–19, loses to Whitney by 29–19

5. Caitlyn Jenner  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 30–23, loses to Wendy Snowden by 25–23

6. Britney  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 34–18, loses to Caitlyn Jenner by 25–23

7. Rachel Dolezal  loses to Unknown Soldier (Tomb of the) by 33–19, loses to Britney by 24–22

 

Comments

[Confused]

Jeff --

I think I'm a bit late to the party here, so excuse me if you've already answered this question. But what's the game here? I sense from your post that you mean this to be funny, but I regret to say that I'm missing the joke. I trust it's in there -- and maybe also related to your work on identity -- but I guess I'm too dim to spot it. I'd be grateful if you'd explain.

Also: I think Iggy Azalea hates Britney most of all.

-Confused

[Jeff Redding]

Confused: You *are* late to the party. And I'm confused by the results too. Who would've guessed? But nice point about Iggy Azalea. As a friend observed recently: How does she get a free pass and Rachel Dolezal does not?

[Jeff Linshan]

Benedict Cumberbatch was robbed!

[Jeff Redding]

Ooooh, handsomeness and talent!

[Confused]

Jeff --

Just to be clear, though I'm sure you know this already: I'm not at all confused by the results. Inanimate objects beat sentient beings in elections all the time.

I'm confused by the entire exercise and the source of humor I seem to be missing. Would love an explanation.

[Jeff Redding]

Confused: I'm guessing humour is a bit like sexual attraction. I get it, you don't like me. I'm OK with that. Really. Let's just part ways.

[Confused]

Jeff --

I say I don't get a joke. You hear that as me saying I don't like you. Not sure I understand how or why you make that leap, but it seems unnecessary and unfortunate to me. Maybe I like you just fine.

Why the oh-so-British extra "u" in humor, by the way?

[Jeff Redding]

Confused: Didn't even notice that U. Ah, must be the lurking effects of my time in Pakistan recently! Thanks for maybe liking me.

[Confused]

Sure. Maybe.

[Jeff Redding]

But what do you mean? Are you trying to be funny? I'm offended. Explain everything to me.

[OurChildrenWouldBeX%Persian]

I understand every facet of the joke in its static intended perfection and do not believe in hermeneutical triangles. I therefore scrap my vote vote and my write-in vote and now nominate myself to be on the new $10 bill.

[Double Confused]

I agree with confused...what's the point of this? Where's Lucy Stone, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Martha Washington, Barbara Jordan, anyone of any substance?

Your list is full of are 2d rate players (except the unknown soldier, and that's probably a male because, as I understand, it's someone who died in combat and, since women have almost never been at combat in the United States, therefore almost for sure a male). I suppose that's the joke, Confused.

Benazir Bhutto is not from the United States, so she's a nonstarter; not to mention the fact that many Pakistanis consider her to be corrupt.

Whitney Houston is just a pop singer with a drug habit who destroyed her career and then o.d.ed.

Edward Snowden a convicted traitor who leaked classified information.

Bruce Jenner is trying to outdo the Kardashians for phoniness.

And Rachel Dolezal, a bizarre person who had her fifteen minutes of fame.