Some time back, I posted ten tips on “How To Act Busy And Important.” Luckily, a university campus provides innumerable opportunities to observe people acting busy and important. So, during a rare moment when I wasn’t busy doing something important, I updated the list. Here is a new “top ten” list, incorporating a few items from the last list and adding some new tips on how to make sure you convey to others the full extent of your busyness and importance.
1. Pepper job candidates with questions about how their paper – on, for example, free speech in public schools – relates to your well-known theories (on limited liability companies). This is especially effective with entry levels.
2. Reviews of job candidates are an excellent opportunity to demonstrate your importance to colleagues. Give harshly negative reviews of all candidates who fail to cite your work, on the grounds that they don’t know the relevant background literature (See number one for guidance on what constitutes relevance.) Make sure to include citations to your scholarship for the benefit of the appointments committee. Better yet, send an SSRN link.
3. Similarly, give glowing written reviews of candidates who do cite your work. For example:
Ms. __ is the best candidate we have interviewed all year, either entry-level or lateral. We should certainly make her an offer as soon as possible. I was most impressed with her command of the existing literature. For example, she gives due prominence to my 1987 Harvard Law Review article on this topic.
4. Talk on one of those Bluetooth ear thingies for your cell phone at all times while in the building. The exception to this is faculty meetings or workshops, when it is acceptable not to talk on the phone, though you should continue to wear the earpiece. If anyone asks, say that you didn’t even notice – you spend so much time wearing it “for conference calls” that it’s like a part of your body.
5. Refer to research assistants as your “staff.” (Some may wish to use “my peeps” instead.) Make them bring you lattes -- decaf . . . skinny . . . low foam.
6. Refer all faculty workshop invitations to your agent.
7. Always use your mobile device to check and respond to email during small committee meetings with colleagues, but make sure to never reply to emails from members of that committee. (HT: David Levine).
8. In fact, never respond to emails from anyone. Use a permanent out-of-office reply telling recipients that you are giving endowed lectures in Europe. It doesn’t matter that said recipients may see you in the building later that day.
9. If you burp, sneeze, or say something important to the local media (like “fraud is bad”), make sure that your school’s website reports on each instance, thwarting attempts to highlight colleagues’ scholarly accomplishments.
10. Treat attempts to schedule committee meetings as an opportunity to demonstrate your many contributions to the institution. When prompted by the chair for a list of available meeting times, do the opposite: list every event on your calendar.
This is awesome - thanks Kim. I can't believe that I missed the first set. I'll have to think up some of my own - on second thought, I should probably keep them to myself ...
Posted by: Jeff Yates | June 18, 2011 at 12:03 PM
"on second thought, I should probably keep them to myself"
My rationalization is that the busy and important rarely have time to read blog posts . . .
Posted by: Kim Krawiec | June 18, 2011 at 12:32 PM
Fair point Kim. I will tentatively add this one, but I reserve the right to take it back lest it offend anyone ;-)
11. Schedule many mandatory meetings for things that don't really need meetings. Give everyone who is attending homework and have them run it by you before the meeting - ask for a lot of changes to homework (e.g. reports) until it says exactly what you want it to say. Before the meeting work key meeting members to make sure that the vote will go your way; dont bother meeting with people who likely have a different opinion. At the meeting spend the first 30 minutes or so expressing your views. Ask for feedback - yell at anyone who has feedback contradictory to yours and get others to yell at them. Take the vote, which is already set anyway. In the end you get your way while making it look democratic and ensuring that you have no personal accountability for future bad outcomes because it was decided by committee.
Sorry for the length - I take it all back ;-)
Posted by: Jeff Yates | June 18, 2011 at 02:10 PM
And this common variation:
"11. Schedule many mandatory meetings for things that don't really need meetings. Give everyone who is attending homework and have them run it by you before the meeting - ask for a lot of changes to homework (e.g. reports) until it says exactly what you want it to say. Before the meeting work key meeting members to make sure that the vote will go your way; dont bother meeting with people who likely have a different opinion."
Then fail to show up for the meeting.
Posted by: Kim Krawiec | June 18, 2011 at 03:20 PM
Kim, you have elegantly and concisely 'out-ranted' me :-)
Posted by: Jeff Yates | June 18, 2011 at 03:49 PM
Kim, I would comment on your post but I'm WAY too busy and important...
Posted by: Jacqui Lipton | June 18, 2011 at 06:49 PM
When I see people w/ those ear-piece phone things, I think they have started to be assimilated by the Borg. (The clip-on mikes and receivers for cell-phones first appeared in the US when I was living over-seas in a place that didn't have them. When I came back, for a while I thought at first that the number of crazy people talking to themselves out loud on the street had gone way up from the time I'd left.)
Also, wouldn't ordering a decaf skinny no-foam latte just make you look like someone who hated life, or at least good things, rather than important?
Posted by: Matt Lister | June 18, 2011 at 08:46 PM
Those decaf skinny people certainly seem to be the type who take all the fun out of life, Matt.
Jacqui -- your busyness and importance go without saying. I'm surprised you have time to read blog posts. I've always assumed that you were dictating your own posts.
Posted by: Kim Krawiec | June 18, 2011 at 11:36 PM
You are right, of course! As long as we understand each other....
Posted by: Jacqui Lipton | June 19, 2011 at 10:59 AM
This is hilarious Kim! (BTW good to finally meet you)
Posted by: Tamara Piety | June 24, 2011 at 04:32 PM
Thanks, Tamara! And nice to meet you in person.
Kim
Posted by: Kim Krawiec | June 25, 2011 at 03:09 PM